Release date: 6 March 2026 (UK)
Director: Maggie Gyllenhaal
Producers: Maggie Gyllenhaal, Emma Tillinger Koskoff, Talia Kleinhendler, Osnat Handelsman-Keren
Starring: Jessie Buckley, Christian Bale, Annette Bening
Running time: 2h 7m
Distributed by: Warner Bros. Pictures

Whilst searching for stills of this film I kept coming across stills from The Princess Bride. My god, how I wish they’d shown The Princess Bride; a truly wonderful, hilarious fantasy film I could watch a thousand times.

Frankenstein adjacent films are really having a moment, aren’t they? We’ve been watching the trailer for this one for a while now, and I’ve had a sinking feeling about it from the first few seconds. I can’t quite explain why, but there’s something about the way that splatter of - what is it, ink? - is artfully painted onto Jessie Buckley’s face that makes me want to punch walls. It’s so painfully…art department. It’s meant to look random, but it’s so carefully and beautifully arranged. Someone designed it and felt so PLEASED with themselves.

Apart from my aesthetic misgivings, I think ‘Bride of Frankenstein’ is one of those tropes that’s just not redeemable - like James Bond, or the Taming of the Shrew. We need to just stop trying to reinvent it in a way that’s acceptable. At its heart, the concept is, ‘a man builds himself a girlfriend whose job is to make him happy.’ It’s not going to work, because the foundations are rotten. In its frantic attempt to make the concept acceptable, this film ties itself fully into knots, involving Jessie Buckley becoming possessed by the spirit of Mary Shelley (I know, I still don’t understand, at all, but it’s incredibly annoying) her character triumphantly choosing the name ‘the Bride’ for herself (confusing) and, worst of all, inspiring a weird sort of feminist revenge movement. There’s actually a moment where a character shouts ‘me too’ that made me want to burn down the cinema.

Anyway, Christian Bale is Frankenstein, we’re in the 1920s (everyone looks like they’re on their way to a gangsters and molls halloween party), and I have no idea what the point of it all is. Jessie Buckley is living a sort of artistically dabauched life with a bunch of mobsters, before she is possessed by the spirit of Mary Shelley (WHY) and starts speaking in a very silly posh English accent mingled with her silly American accent, before being quite understandably pushed down some stairs. She is then reanimated by Annette Bening, during which process the black stuff gets sprayed onto her face. I was really hoping it would get washed off shortly afterwards, but unfortunately Annette explains to her soon afterwards that it has stained her skin indelibly. Of course, of course it has. She and Christian then embark on a sort of Bonnie and Clyde road trip, and the inevitable ending is so glaringly obvious that you can sort of skip the next couple of hours to be honest.

Also, somewhere along the way, there is a song a dance number. I can’t, I just can’t.

*Please can I watch whatever they’re watching?*

Guys, this is an AWFUL film. Never mind all the annoying face paint and questionable themes, it’s just incredibly boring. It’s possibly the only film we’ve seen so far during which I’ve been longing for the credits to roll. When they finally did, I felt a relief I can only compare to that bit in the Christmas church service where you sing Oh Come all Ye Faithful and know it can’t be much longer now. I would sooner watch If I had Legs I’d Kick You on repeat, and if you read last week’s review, you’d know that was really saying something.

That’s it, that’s the review.

Good things: I mean, I don’t know, Christian Bale was watchable I guess?

Bad things: EVERY. SINGLE. THING.

My review: Insufferable.

Lily’s review: Zero poos. I don’t think the rating system means anything anymore…

Next week: One Battle After Another, which may be my sign that we've nearly completed Baby Cinema…

The Bride

The Drama

If I had legs I’d kick you