Downton Abbey: The Grand Finale
Release date: 12 September 2025 (UK)
Director: Simon Curtis
Starring: Hugh Bonneville; Jim Carter; Michelle Dockery; Paul Giamatti; Elizabeth McGovern; Penelope Wilton
Running time: 2h 3m
Distributed by: Focus Features
We nearly didn’t come this morning – despite never having seen it, I’ve always had a hunch I’ll hate Downton Abbey. There’s just something so saccharine and smug about it, like a TV show entirely dreamt up by AI to generate the highest possible tea time ratings. But it started at 11.15, and I want to encourage such benevolent scheduling. Next week it’s 9.50 and I’m thinking of turning up with a placard.
Within five minutes of the start time I’d already texted my husband: ‘I hate it even more than I expected to.’ I did give the TV show a trial run in preparation, and made it about 5 minutes in, at which point one of the maids said to the butler, ‘why is it we iron the newspapers?’ I’m aware that means I’m probably not the target audience here.
Don’t cry Hugh, it’ll be over soon
I feel really, really sorry for Hugh Bonneville, which is obviously misplaced because he has free will and a pay check, but my god, in one scene he had to deliver a monstrous amount of exposition before turning to a mirror and mournfully declaring ‘and that means something to me.’
Anyway, the croissant was warm and the baby had a little nap. I weighed her this morning and she’s finally hit 5kg, which is objectively good, except that still puts her at around 2.6% and I find that so terrifying it was difficult to focus on the trailers (the tourettes one again) because I was having a little cry. A lot of the babies cried today actually, which felt like a reasonable reaction to the film. One of them made a little drum out of the metal tin thingie the croissants come in, and not only did I not mind, I wished they’d bang it a bit louder to drown out the sound of such lines as ‘goodness me. So many changes are happening at Downton’ and other such horrifying dialogue.
The only good bit was where Noel Coward (yes I’m afraid so) considers writing a lighthearted musical about the Titanic, and Hugh Bonneville icily remarks ‘two of my cousins died on the Titanic, I may find it hard to sing along.’ Can’t agree more, I’ve always been baffled by how we’ve managed to turn that whole business into a silly lark. I dunno you guys, a lot of people died horribly?
why though?
Anyway, what is this film about? There’s something about a county fair, everyone’s worried they might have to sell one of their several houses to survive financial ruin, the cook is retiring and it’s very important Lady Mary can be invited to dinners again despite being divorced. Her life looks really dreadful you guys. She had to leave a ball early and everything. She’s a saint to suffer through it all, which we know because occasionally she invites her very pregnant lady’s maid to sit down.
Poor, poor Lady Mary
Good things: Simon Russell Beale (obviously), Paul Giamatti’s amazing voice, Queen Penelope Wilton, admittedly beautiful costumes.
Bad things: just everything really. I would be less brutally honest but I’m so sleep deprived I’ve started wondering if I’ve got like a mild concussion or something? I will admit though that I forgave 90% of the film’s many shortcomings when they did a tribute to Maggie Smith at the end. RIP.
My review: zero stars, only advisable if you are going slowly insane at home with your baby. Or if you’re a Downton fan I guess? If you’re a Downton fan I’m truly sorry for this big outpouring of hate, we all love what we love. I watched the entirety of Death in Paradise during the pandemic so I’m really not one to talk.
Lily’s review: one poo, for which brief respite I was extremely grateful. Wish she’d done a few more to be honest. She also threw up all over the seat during the closing credits: awkward, but entirely fair.
Next week: A Big Bold Beautiful Journey, which sounds like something a well meaning aunt would say about having a baby, in total denial about any of the difficult parts. And it starts at 9.50 you guys. If we make it, we’re having a bonus cake.